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Joke of the day

(Dumb Dude)

On a shopping trip to the city a backwoods farmer bought a 24-piece jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally, the puzzle was finished.

"Look what I've don, Jess," he said proudly to a visiting neighbor.

"That's surely somethin', Willard. How long did it take you?"

"Only two weeks."

"Never done a puzzle myself," Jess said. "Is two weeks fast?"

"Darn tootin'," Willard said. "Look at the box. It says, 'From two to four years."


(Little Johnny)

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

(Talking Dog)

A dog walks into a bar, and takes a seat.
He says to the bartender, "Can I have a cold beer and a bag of chips please?"
The bartender says, "Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!
" The dog replies, "Why? Do they need electricians?"


(A man is listening to his daughter pray one night.)

The daughter says, “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, and goodbye grandpa!” The dad asks her, “Why did you say goodbye grandpa?” She replies, “I don’t know, it just felt right.” The next morning the grandpa sadly dies. The man rubs it off as a coincidence and listens to her pray again that night. She says, “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, and goodbye grandma!” The next morning the grandma dies. The father is astonished at the special power her daughter has and listens once again that night. She says, “God Bless mommy, Goodbye daddy!” All night the father is scared and can’t sleep. He decided that if he stays up until midnight he should be fine. The next morning after the all nighter his wife asks him, “Why do you look so tired?” He replied, “I pulled an all nighter.” She replies, “My morning was terrible too. A few minutes ago, the mailman dropped dead on the front porch.”


(Good Looking Girlfriend)

Sat next to a guy on a train

He pulls out his phone to show me a picture of his girlfriend... he ask ain’t she beautiful?

I said if you think she’s beautiful then you should see my wife.

He goes why is she a stunner too?

I replied: nah man, she’s an optician.


(Mental Asylum Visitor)

During a visit to the mental asylum...

a visitor asked the Director ”how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized”

“Well, said the Director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

Oh, I understand, said the visitor. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

No said the Director, A normal person would pull the plug out.

Do you want a bed near the window?


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom,she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now , think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about".
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."



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