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Things You Should Know By Mid Life

---Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

---If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

---Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

---It's not the jeans that make your rear end look fat.

---Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

---My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

---Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

---It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

---For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

---If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

---Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

---A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

---Eat well; stay fit; die anyway.

---Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

---A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

---Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

---Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

---Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

---There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

---Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

---By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

---Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

---Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

---A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.










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